


are you there merlin? it's me, harry

by benzedrine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, agony aunt?, it's a slightly weird premise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-06-04 23:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15157715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benzedrine/pseuds/benzedrine
Summary: A long-winded tale of romance, deception and intrigue - with just a dash of Gryffindor/Slytherin bonding, drunk confessions and, you guessed it, lots of letter writing.(rated M for potential mature content in later chapters)





	1. are you there merlin? it's me, harry

**Author's Note:**

> hello! it's been so long since i last wrote anything, but i came up with this idea shamelessly centred around the title of a judy blume book (that i've never read, and have no knowledge of) while thinking about when i first got into writing fics last year during some hard times. it's been difficult to write recently as i've been going through withdrawal from my meds, but insomnia makes for good inspiration and i'm super excited to try and focus on this new fic ! the plot may seem slightly dubious, but try and keep an open mind as i'm hoping it will eventually follow through. comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated, hope you enjoy reading this!

September 14th, 2002

Are you there, Merlin? It’s me, Harry.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m writing to you, I mean, I’m not even sure I believe in you (sorry). I guess I just need some way of letting go of some of my frustrations, and trust me, I have _many_. Apologies in advance mate; most of them will be about that bleeding ferret. Sorry, Malfoy. We bumped into each other (literally) earlier today and the fucking prick had the audacity to blame me for it! Well, my eyesight. But still! Posh bastard’s clearly not learnt anything about being polite since we left school. Not surprising, really, given how easily he and his mum were let off during the Trials. Old Lucius wasn’t so lucky, got given the Kiss after being found guilty of being a Death Eater conspirator. I’m rambling on now, but honestly I feel much calmer already. Seeing Malfoy today brought lots of buried feelings to the surface, old and new (if you are real, I really am sorry for almost killing him that one time – surely that’s something that would piss off an all-knowing magical being/God/father of magic). He’s taller now, but I’m willing to bet half my vault at Gringott’s that I could still beat his ~~gorgeous~~ ~~beautiful~~ sorry arse in a duel if it ever comes to that. I’m hoping it won’t, though. Think I’ve had it up to here with fighting. Let’s hope I won’t have to see him again, eh?

Thank you,

Harry

P.S. Am I being immature? I know that you can’t write back, but I feel like a bloody thirteen year old again, honestly. Only thing that’s changed is how much easier on the eyes Malfoy is now.

*

Pans,

Come to the Manor as soon as you can, my devious darling. You’ll never guess which Chosen One’s owl accidentally ended up here! Are you up for some good old, classic scheming?

Love (and glee!),

Draco

*

D,

Do you even have to ask?

Pans


	2. are you there, harry? it's me, merlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is really just some lazy late night fluff that hopefully will end up somewhere recognisable as a plot? also, chapters will likely get longer once i fully flesh out the direction this is heading in. in the meantime, hope you enjoy!

September 16th, 2002

Are you there, Harry? It’s me, Merlin.

Well, not exactly. I am rather flattered, however, that your owl sent your letter to me. Clearly she’s a fine bird, intelligent as she is majestic. I do hope you don’t mind my replying to your letter; if it had been me sending something so personal (and _angry_ , my word boy heroes should be made to take anger management classes) without expecting it to be seen, I’d want to know that it had. Been seen, that is. If you ask me (don’t worry, I know you aren’t), it seems as though you and this Malfoy fellow have some unresolved issues to work through. Perhaps it would be in both of your best interests if some sort of parley were arranged. After you complete anger management, of course.

Don’t feel obligated to reply, although I’m quite sure any future missives you pen to Merlin will manage to find their way to me. If not, though, please, for the love of all things great and good find a way to calm down. Maybe you just need a good shag?

Best,

M

P.S. Yes, you bloody well are being immature. Have you considered that maybe what you’re looking for is a quick one with this Malfoy bloke?

P.P.S. If you do write back, please do address it just to ‘M’; I’m quite certain your gorgeous owl will find her way to me.

*

M,

Sod off, will you?

Harry

P.S. I do _not_ need a shag! Nor do I want one from that ferrety bastard, ta very much.

P.P.S. Are you sure it isn’t you that’s in need of a shag, what with all the attention you’re giving to Scatha?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if like me you know nothing about lord of the rings, scatha is (allegedly) a dragon from one of the books in the series. yes, i'm making harry into a dragon obsessed nerd. no, i don't have any regrets.


	3. a thing bizarre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title taken from amy winehouse’s love is a losing game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant to update this a while back but i’ve been super busy recently and now i’m on holiday so i’m even busier ! but i couldn’t forget our dear harry’s birthday and it seems fitting to add a little something to this for him. i’ve been writing this on my phone, so making changes to the formatting and all sorts is a bit difficult right now, but hopefully when i’m back home i’ll be able to iron out the kinks :))

September 19th

Harry,

My word, you’re ever so angry still. I take it you chose not to follow my advice? I can’t blame you – if an absolute stranger started trying to help me improve myself I’d take offence at it, too. Of course, the difference between you and I is that I don’t have any improvements to be making; I’m perfect as is! 

I’m not, really. I rather think I’m far angrier than you’ve ever been.

Yours,

M.

P.S. Who names a bird Scatha? Aside from 5 year old muggleborns and horribly pretentious saviours, of course.

*

M,

Why do you always ~~right~~ ~~weri~~ write back? I keep thinking I’m shot of you, and then Scatha returns smelling of expensive cleaning potions and at least 4lbs heavier. And on the subject of Scatha, it’s a fine name for a bird! You said it yourself, she’s majestic! By your postscript, though, I’m guessing that whoever you are, you’re not a muggleborn. Or a 5 year old. Christ, I hope you’re not a 5 year old, because while, of course, that would be wildly inappropriate, it would be embarrassing how much more eloquent than me you are. Right now, I feel like you must be a rather elderly, well to do, distinguished wizard. Or perhaps you’re just someone who’s well versed in basic letter writing etiquette? I’m finding myself becoming quite curious about your identity, even though you’re infuriating. Do we know each other?

In eager anticipation,

Harry


	4. ex-factor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep meaning to update this but i've also been working on this oneshot i've been putting off so i'm superrrr distracted lol ! i've finally found some direction for this though so hopefully this will see itself through by the end of the month? the year? idk but anyway, hope you enjoy this lil chapter and the addition of some dialogue!
> 
> title's a lauryn hill song i was listenin to while thinking about this you guys should check it out :)

September 20th

Pansy,

I fear Potter is either onto us, or far more perceptive than we thought. Come over at your earliest convenience.

Draco

*

Draco,

Relax! Will be there as soon as.

Love (even though you’re being bitchy),

Pans

*

“Really? This is what you made me rush over here for? The man’s clearly just thinking aloud, or through letters, I suppose. Still, there’s no way that he’s onto us, yet.”

“He’s clearly trying to work it out though! He’s already gotten as far as me not being muggleborn, what’s next? ‘Hi, M, just wondering, did you happen to be a Death Eater at any point during the war? Write soon!’”

“You’re being childish, Draco. If you’re really so concerned that he’ll find out it’s you, just stop writing him. It’s that simple.”

“But that defeats the whole purpose of our plan!”

“Oh, do what you want to then, but count me out. Too much stress is bad for the skin, and it took a lot of time for me to be able to look this good. Just, be careful. I don’t want for you to get hurt from all of this, okay?”

*

September 28th

Harry (is this too familiar? Would you prefer I call you something else, something more formal? Mr. Potter, perhaps?),

I apologise for the time it took for me to write you back – I must admit, it’s been a bit of struggle to find the words. You asked me why I always reply to you, and honestly? It took me a while to work out the answer. I’m lonely. So far, I’ve found our brief correspondence amusing and while it was selfish of me, I wanted to see how long we could keep it going. Again, I apologise – I should have thought more about the consequences. To answer your second question, I should hope that you’ve noticed that I am an extremely talented letter writer. My sparkling wit and proficient prose clearly roll off the pages. (I can make them do that literally with a clever little charm I came up with, but I don’t want to scare you off just yet).

I feel I should also clarify that I’m neither elderly nor an infant, so the ‘appropriateness’ of our letters is still firmly intact.

I hope your curiosity surrounding my identity remains sufficiently piqued and that we can continue this communication.

Yours,

M.

P.S. I’m sorry if Scatha really is gaining massive amounts of weight because of me – if you choose to keep writing me, I’ll make sure she gets some exercise while she waits for me to write my responses.

**Author's Note:**

> please, please let me know what you think (so far) - i always appreciate knowing what people think of my writing (be it positive or negative). hope you're enjoying this!


End file.
